Into the Woods
♫ This Is Bad, Please Help ♫ Starring: Meryl Streep, Chris Pine Review written by Robert D. Patrick It’s a grisly business to adapt a musical to screen, there is no doubt, particularly when the source material is beloved. Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods shoehorns a myriad of fairy tale characters into an allegoric hornet’s nest. Culled from various stories, everything from Little Red Riding Hood to Jack and the...
Saving Mr. Banks
DiZzzZZzney’s World Starring: Emma Thompson, Tom Hanks Review written by Robert D. Patrick Saving Mr. Banks is about the daffy, carbonated personality of Walt Disney and the buttoned, stiff-shirted sensibilities of author P.L. Travers (don’t you dare call her Pamela, or she’ll have biblical hornets descend upon you). Of course the emotionally marred, stuffy protagonist ends up rosy despite her thorns by the end of...
Rise of the Guardians
Not the Sequel to Owls of Ga’Hoole Review written by Robert D. Patrick Starring: Chris Pine, Alec Baldwin When you think of folklore and mythology, you think about the ethereal candidness of the sandman or the spectral enchantments of the tooth fairy. Maybe the portly mass of a bellowing Santa Claus or the wonky pattering of the Easter Bunny. How about the whittled teeth of the Jersey Devil or the dour expression of the Moth...
Wreck-It-Ralph
Do Kids Even Go to Arcades? Review written by Andrew Younger Starring: John C. Reilly, Jack McBrayer Director Rich Moore latches on to 8-bit nostalgia with Disney’s perfunctory holiday CG offering Wreck-It Ralph. The eponymous Ralph (John C. Reilly), who lives and works as the villain inside a Donkey Kong/Rampage hybrid arcade game named Fix-It Felix Jr., decides during the game’s twentieth anniversary that he no longer...
Shorts
Noisy; Unworthy of Viewing Starring: James Spader, Jimmy Bennett By Josephine Zomayah Sitting in a movie theatre while waiting for a movie to start that is occupied to capacity isn’t always the quietest of moments. Being in a movie theatre filled with impatient and whining children fueled by their sugar high is a whole different experience.. A cacophony is best fit for the description to say the least. The unpleasant shrieking of this...
Imagine That
Murphy Flounders in Newest Comedy Starring: Eddie Murphy, Yara Shahidi By Josephine Zomayah Although being Nickelodeon’s newest release, the kids aren’t urging their parents to go see the upcoming flick, “Imagine That”. If they’ve caught the preview, they might recall, “Hey, that sounds like Donkey’s voice from Shrek”, and then continue watching their beloved Spongebob and Patrick. The parents, however, might lean toward this family...
Azur & Asmar: The Princes’ Quest
I cant seem to remember an animated feature that’s more ineffably difficult to watch than director Michel Ocelot’s Azur & Asmar: The Princes’ Quest. The story, dealing with archetypical children’s themes such as tolerance, friendship, and honesty, has its heart in the right place, but fails at much else. The computer animation looks cold and wooden, with its characters painted in chalky pastels, moving unnaturally to each...
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Outfitting a Strategy to Bolster the Economy Starring: Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy By Stella J. Kim In the midst of America’s current fiscal crisis and devastated economy, watching a film about over-spending and being in debt would seem to be about as enjoyable as rubbing salt into a deep wound. Ill-timed and ironic, this type of film would be an unfortunate reminder for many Americans who spend their money on films to get away from the...
The Pink Panther 2
Beyonce Turned This Film Down Starring: Steve Martin, Andy Garcia, Emily Mortimer By: Andrew Younger Like most films which show such contempt for their audience that they merely slap a number at the end of a title and call it a sequel, The Pink Panther 2 could have been terrible. And not just ordinary, run-of-the-mill terrible, but a colossal monument to failure of Baby Geniuses 2 proportions. Having subjected myself to the first Pink...
Coraline
Even the Fantasy World is Dull These Days Starring: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher By Tom Bevis It’s amazing that people are still trying to cash in on the success of The Nightmare Before Christmas. One can only wonder when the mediocre musical that became one of the world’s mightiest trends will tire. Next in line to replicate the film’s success (following the structurally catastrophic Corpse Bride) is Coraline. The story, based on...