Iron Man 3
Ironing Out the Kinks Review written by Robert D. Patrick Starring: Robert Downey, Jr, Don Cheadle Robert Downey Jr, draped in an egotistical, incisor flashing smile, surfs his fingers over the visage of an Audi that has the color of a blue jay’s plumage. The master thespian lowers his sunglasses, tilts his head down like a craning viper, and emits a cool sentence with the gratifying reverberation of a horseshoe straddling a...
Pain and Gain
Bad Taste: The Movie Review written by Tom Bevis Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Mark Wahlberg Spoiler Alert: Pain & Gain is bad. Irredeemably bad. Bad in every sense of the word. I try not to make these kinds of judgment calls when reviewing movies, but it is unavoidable to review this movie without making mention of how severely, irreversibly, unavoidably, and unforgettably bad it is. And I’m not just saying that the film, as a movie...
Oblivion
Tom Cruise Plays Video Game; It’s Fun! Starring: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman Review written by Tom Bevis I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you really like sci-fi movies, and it’s been just so long since you saw a good one. But, hot damn, you don’t like Tom Cruise or movies that look like they’re ripping off any sci-fi movie from The Matrix to The Postman. Well, the simple solution here is to just swallow whatever...
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
The Rock Versus Bruce Willis (Not Really) Review written by Tom Bevis Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Channing Tatum Let me begin by saying that I didn’t see the first GI Joe film way back when (in or around 2009, if my memory serves me), so I have no frame of reference as far as a sequel goes. So, let’s look at this as a kind of experiment, okay? Now, I walk into the auditorium, and yeah, I’m kinda sweating the possibility that I’ll be...
Olympus Has Fallen
White House In Peril – Again Review written by Tom Bevis Starring: Morgan Freeman, Gerard Butler I’ll be the first to admit that all of this 9/11 reminiscent terrorist imagery needs to disappear from popular media. I am tired, bored, and annoyed watching planes and/or tanks crash into every single American landmark that comes to mind. That being said, Olympus Has Fallen has only two or three of these said scenes in...
A Good Day to Die Hard
Will the Real McClane Please Stand Up Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney Review written by Tom Bevis Alright, let me start right off the bat by saying I love Die Hard. Die Hard is one of those quick action movie franchises that was loud enough, big enough, bright enough, and suddenly funny enough for me to really dig when I was a kid. Mind you, I wasn’t even a year old when the first one hit theaters, I must’ve been three years old...
Stand Up Guys
Mobsters Have Bucket Lists, Too Starring: Christopher Walken, Al Pacino Review written by Tom Bevis I’ve resisted writing about Stand Up Guys because, despite Righteous Kill, 88 Minutes, S1m0ne, and The Recruit, I love Al Pacino, and despite the fact that for the last several years, Christopher Walken has been playing Kevin Pollack impersonating Christopher Walken, I love Christopher Walken. But, man, never have I seen either of these...
Parker
Parker Outperforms Expectations Despite Director Interference Starring: Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez Review written by Tom Bevis Okay, okay. I’m not any happier about Jennifer Lopez being in a Jason Statham movie than you are, alright? Let’s just get that out of the way right now. For any men, Jennifer Lopez is a fun vacuum. Unless she’s in her undies, she just swallows up all the life from any scene she’s in, I get it. The good news...
The Last Stand
One Man Arnie Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Johnny Knoxville Review written by Robert D. Patrick The Last Stand is a blood specked, teeth-gnashing, gun powder marked soiree of discharged shell casings and exit wounds – well, the last forty minutes, anyway. The first hour is a hodgepodge of stifled acting and incensed phone calls with salivating federal agents. The Last Stand has a pretty pedestrian premise, to be polite, and...
Django Unchained
A Fistful of Squalor Review written by Robert D. Patrick Starring: Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino’s cinematic soiree of bloodshed and molar-gnashing revenge has been a hotbed of controversy ever since the press fastened into their seats for the initial advance screenings. Inside the film, derogatory slurs are said cavalierly and bombastic action sequences flip by with abandon. Outside of the...
