Sam’s Cosmic Movie Peeves

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We’ve all got our little pet peeves when it comes to movies and television. Sometimes it stems from our areas of expertise (“Well I’M a fighter pilot and there’s no way I’d do it like that”) or sometimes we just learn some trivia and can never look at those troublesome scenes the same way again. Sometimes it’s plain common sense!

At best, the following scenes make me roll my eyes and ignore them. At worst, I open my mouth to complain, yet again, and my friends glare at me as if to say, “YES, WE’VE HEARD IT BEFORE!” I suspect that most of these are conscious decisions by the filmmakers, in the interest of pacing and audience recognition. The rest? Pure laziness and lack of research.

1) The Defibrillator Scene: You’ve all seen this one. The patient has flatlined. No heartbeat. Oh no, they’re not going to make it! The doctor or lay-technician busts out the magic paddles, places them on the body, yells “Clear!” and FWACKOOM! The heart monitor begins to beep again. Except no, it doesn’t work like that! The paddles DE-fibrillate. DE-fibrillate! They are employed when the heart is beating in a dangerously erratic fashion. The electrical jolt STOPS the heart, and hopefully allows the body’s natural rhythm to re-establish itself. Stopping a stopped heart does nothing, my friends! Man, what a peeve that is.

2) Gritty Street Cop finds mysterious white substance in a bag. Tastes it. Declares it cocaine/heroine/whatever: Okay, several points. 1) Dude I am pretty sure you are not supposed to be EATING DRUGS on the job. 2) How many drugs have you taken that you know all of them by taste? 3) Seriously, how did you know this wasn’t cocaine laced with rat poison? 4) Gritty street cop, you are so high right now. You should be high for the rest of the movie, you just ATE COCAINE! 5) Man, you are so fired for this.

3) Gritty Street Cop declares he is not bluffing. Then racks shotgun. You liar, you were SO BLUFFING! A moment ago you didn’t even have a round in the chamber, so how exactly were you about to shoot the bad guy? You have seriously undermined your authority here by first declaring you are not bluffing… then immediately proving that you were. Now, as Mr. Bad Guy, I do not believe you are on the verge of shooting me. Instead, I’m going to threaten my hostage some more.

4) 20 Minute Child Labor: As soon as a woman’s water breaks everyone in the movie (or, even more likely, the sitcom) goes into a crazy panic and there is a helter skelter rush to the hospital, where they barely have time to get her in the room before she’s pushing. I wish labor were that quick and easy! I’d have a secondary income peddling babies on the black market. But no, sorry Movie Mom, you didn’t really have to rush. You probably had a good 8 to 12 hours to mosey your way on over to the hospital. Your boyfriend/husband/best friend didn’t have to run that red light and plow down that old lady.

5) For that matter, shiny clean 15 pound babies: And after her effortless birth, Mom is dry, smiling, just a little tired, and the doctor pulls a huge baby out of her body, smacks it on the bottom, wraps a towel around it, and hands it over. ALL RIGHT, so I admit we probably don’t have to see Mom shoving out the afterbirth every time, but give me something! Water down some ketchup and spray it on the kid’s head, I don’t care! Fade out and fade back in so I think some mysterious doctorly antics have been taken care of in my absence.

6) Haxxoring the Interwebs: I know this is a favorite to make fun of on the internet… and gosh darn but I enjoy making fun of it, too. Sterling films like “Live Free or Die Hard” would love us to believe that everything—EVERYTHING—is accessible and therefore hackable through a home computer, from street lights to gas lines to I don’t know what. Smack your fingers across your keyboard, find the backdoor entrance, declare, “I’m in!” and you can destroy the world.

7) Morning Breath: Nobody has it. Rom Com lovers are making out at all times of the day and night, and goodness but that is some passion. For that matter, our nasty lovers cuddle right up and go to sleep directly after sex. Ladies! I’m telling you this for your own good. Get your sticky ass out of bed and go use the restroom. That is how you get a urinary tract infection. And a UTI is bound to interfere with your wild passionate love affair. While I’m bagging on the Rom Coms, let me add that it’s a good thing nobody ever meets a dashing man when she’s on her period. Or does she? GROSS.

So these are a few things that stop me dead in my movie-watching tracks. What little (or big!) overlooked details drive you crazy?

Author: Sam Wood-Mills

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