Shadow Dancer
An IRA Film Without Daniel Day? Starring: Andrea Riseborough, Clive Owen Review written by Robert D. Patrick On more than one blood specked occasion, the Irish Republican Army’s teeth-gnashing, metacarpal bruising fury has crossed horns with the unabashed grit of England’s MI5. The pulp of Ireland’s history has been branded with struggle, and here, in a microcosm of the land’s imbroglios, Shadow Dancer focuses...
Man of Steel
Man of Get Me Out of Here This is Terrible Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams Review written by Robert D. Patrick Fluffy, steaming hot pancakes with a dollop of butter on top. A broken levee of maple syrup lacquers your flapjacks as your incisors ravenously saw apart a piece of juicy bacon. And if you’re in the mood to be a little mercurial, you can always stuff your frothing maw with the chicken fajita omelette, adorned with a...
Gut
Heart of Darkness Starring: Jason Vail, Nicholas Wilder Review written by Robert D. Patrick The claustrophobic trappings of an office job. A cubicle as big as a lion’s cage, containing the guttural roar of a desktop computer’s whirring fan. That’s the real horror, some may say. The dowdy, monochrome world of the everyman, where neckties become the frozen hand of a clock; swiveling chairs become ball turrets; and your...
After Earth
Smith 2 Smith Starring: Will Smith, Jaden Smith I’m about to really bum you guys out, so I hope you can forgive me. After Earth is not a Will Smith movie. Here’s a shortlist of things I learned about the future from After Earth: 1) In 1000 years, whales will have two blow holes. 2) Also, in 1000 years, climbing a volcano will seem like a good idea. Not that astounding, I know, but no one’s walking into this theater to learn stuff. The...
The Hangover Part III
Sequel: The Sequel Starring: Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper Review written by Tom Bevis Full disclosure, here: I didn’t see The Hangover Part Two. Or The Hangover Part II, whichever they decided to roll with. Why didn’t I, you may ask? Because I liked the first one a lot. It mixed dirty comedy, ridiculous scenarios, and a mystery just one step below any neo-noir picture being made today. I wasn’t so surprised that it exploded the way it...
Iron Man 3
Ironing Out the Kinks Review written by Robert D. Patrick Starring: Robert Downey, Jr, Don Cheadle Robert Downey Jr, draped in an egotistical, incisor flashing smile, surfs his fingers over the visage of an Audi that has the color of a blue jay’s plumage. The master thespian lowers his sunglasses, tilts his head down like a craning viper, and emits a cool sentence with the gratifying reverberation of a horseshoe straddling a...
Mud
A Penny for Your Thought; A Nichols for Your Bliss Review written by Tom Bevis Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Tye Sheridan I’m thinking right now that it’s a shame more people won’t go see Mud. Some people will see Matthew McConaughey on the poster and write it off right then and there. Others will read the reviews and assume it is some kind of regurgitation of Stand By Me and decide to pass. Many of them, though, will look at the...
Pain and Gain
Bad Taste: The Movie Review written by Tom Bevis Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Mark Wahlberg Spoiler Alert: Pain & Gain is bad. Irredeemably bad. Bad in every sense of the word. I try not to make these kinds of judgment calls when reviewing movies, but it is unavoidable to review this movie without making mention of how severely, irreversibly, unavoidably, and unforgettably bad it is. And I’m not just saying that the film, as a movie...
Oblivion
Tom Cruise Plays Video Game; It’s Fun! Starring: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman Review written by Tom Bevis I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you really like sci-fi movies, and it’s been just so long since you saw a good one. But, hot damn, you don’t like Tom Cruise or movies that look like they’re ripping off any sci-fi movie from The Matrix to The Postman. Well, the simple solution here is to just swallow whatever...
Heisting Amadeus
Borrowing a Blu Ray in the Digital Age Written by Robert D. Patrick Sinking like a downed merchant marine vessel into a sea of pillowy cushions, I must look, from a faraway glance, like a disheveled mop head. It’s been years since I’ve seen Milos Forman’s Amadeus, and what I remember most is the tickling, mad hatter laugh of an ebullient Tom Hulce. Marching, lilting, shining those incisors with abandon like a naïve child in a ball...
