2012
Nov13

2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You Explosions and Stuff! By Robert Patrick Dear Mr. Roland Emmerich, You have directed some monolithic films in your career that, when taken at face value, pose no direct threat to your audience. You do not lodge existential quandaries in your characters’ minds. And you certainly don’t want your protagonists to act in logical, self-preserving ways. When browsing over your resume, I realize that you have...

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Antichrist
Nov06

Antichrist

Christmas Season, Here Comes Your Worst Nightmare Starring: Willem Dafoe, Charlotte Gainsbourg By Robert Patrick Antichrist’s moniker, one of ill faith and unwavering despondency, does little to hide the fact that the movie is one gnarly, wretched, semi-unwatchable beast. Lars Von Trier’s usual minimalism – chalk lines in Dogville and Manderlay; weepy prayer sessions in Breaking the Waves – is swept under the carpet in...

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The Men Who Stare at Goats
Nov06

The Men Who Stare at Goats

How to Make the Best Trailer for the Worst Movie Starring: George Clooney, Ewan McGregor By Robert Patrick The Men Who Stare at Goats is a zany, wonky, effortlessly bizarre film that rides the coattails of some very weird – and allegedly factual – information about the United States Army and its experimental exploits into alternative fighting. Much of the movie is plump with colorful anecdotes, off the wall action, and...

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An Education
Oct16

An Education

No Smoking Signs Were Invented Because of France Starring: Peter Sarsgaard, Carey Mulligan By Robert Patrick A dapper gentlemen tilts his cigarette, knocking off ashes into the indiscriminate wind, as he raises a confident smile on what seems like a pulley led by deviant thoughts. The man in question, David, played by the rarely mercurial Peter Sarsgaard, is a regular Clare Quilty. David is well groomed, exquisitely mannered, and...

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Capitalism: A Love Story
Oct02

Capitalism: A Love Story

A Bad Time to Be the Monopoly Guy Starring: Michael Moore By Robert Patrick A portly man, seen with hair puffing out from the sides of his cap, was drawn in the San Diego Union Tribune prior to the release of Capitalism: A Love Story. The bespectacled behemoth pictured in the cartoon, of course, was an artist’s representation of the outspoken impresario Michael Moore. The caption read: “Capitalism is a bad thing, said the multimillion...

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Interview w/ Robert D. Siegel
Sep18

Interview w/ Robert D. Siegel

  Slicked in a kind of skewed war paint, Paul Aufiero, a diminutive New Yorker, slings his runty arms around his best buddy, Sal, as they participate in the ritualistic fervor of being a football fan – or, more specifically, a Giants fan. Paul lives with his howling mother, who barks at him for slashing his fist through the air when he calls into a local sports radio station, as he reads off reams upon reams of scribbled...

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Flame & Citronen
Sep18

Flame & Citronen

How to Make a Cartoon Out of History Starring: Mads Mikkelsen, Thure Lindhardt By Robert Patrick Danish director, Ole Christian Madsen, races his fingers across the creased, water-stained pages of history to pluck the story of two resistance fighters, Flame and Citron, who stood as central pillars in the underground movement against Nazism in Denmark. And while Madsen’s directorial hymn to the fallen heroes of World War II is full of...

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Whiteout
Sep18

Whiteout

Snow, a Plane, and Something About a Murder Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Gabriel Macht By Tom Bevis Comic book adaptations are a hotspot in Hollywood today, but word on the street is, few people actually knew Whiteout was based on a comic.  As always with comic book adaptations, I can go write at length about the differences in story between the comic and the film, but it’s pointless.  If you’re going to see the film instead of spending...

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Play the Game
Sep11

Play the Game

The Go Straight to Jail Card Starring: Andy Griffith, Paul Campbell By Robert Patrick “Grandpa’s horny,” bellows out the newly mercurial Andy Griffith.  “And he wants to have some fun.” These lines, fostering a kind of disregard for the antiquated material of the television star’s past, come zipping out of Griffith’s mouth at full-steam. The 83 year-old actor cranks back his arm, yelps indiscriminately at elderly women, then lifts his...

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Afghan Star
Sep04

Afghan Star

A Show Worth Watching By Robert Patrick American Idol has been the staple of popular reality television. And with the floodgates ripping open with howling fans and equal parts monetary gain, there is no reason to expect the series to peter off, even in its umpteenth season on the air. The show’s sheen is blinding, as an array of lights strobe across the sleek stage. The hosts of the show gab to each other, slinging criticism with...

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