A Dangerous Method
A Freudian Slip Up Starring: Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortensen Review written by Robert Patrick Director David Cronenberg is known for his spatterfests, where heads explode like Gallagher watermelons, guts spew from television sets, and severed fingers are nonchalantly plucked like flower petals in a child’s hand. In recent years the maestro of macabre has toned down the science fiction horror elements, replaced them with...
Happy, Happy
Neighborhood Watch Starring: Agnes Kittelsen, Joachim Rafaelsen Review written by Robert Patrick Anne Sewitsky’s film, “Happy, Happy”, sounds like a syrupy romantic comedy with the trappings of spring-loaded, canned, jack-in-the-box guffaws. Thankfully it doesn’t have the noxious, cap gun humor that one would expect from a fuddy romantic dramedy. If you’ve seen the posters for this film, the marketing...
Restless
The Grapes of Daft Starring: Henry Hopper, Mia Wasikowska Review written by Robert Patrick This is the best picture Alan Smithee never directed. “Restless” is so bad that the mascara wearing elk in Hot Topic wouldn’t dare screenprint their minds with Gus Van Sant’s scurrilous picture about two morose teens in search of young love. Henry Hopper, the son of the mercurial thespian Dennis, plays Enoch, a teenager...
I Love You Phillip Morris
Catch Me If You…Meh…Don’t Bother Starring: Ewan McGregor, Jim Carrey Written by Robert Patrick I saw this movie a little over a month ago, maybe less. If “The Talented Mr. Ripley” was directed by the guy who did those Enzyte commercials with the plastic-faced “Smilin’ Bob” character, you would have “I Love You Phillip Morris”. The tone is daffy, light hearted, exuberantly...
Cairo Time
Travel Channel’s Modern Romance Starring: Patricia Clarkson, Alexander Siddig By Robert Patrick Watching Ruba Nadda’s film, “Cairo Time”, is like watching an episode of Samantha Brown’s show on the Travel Channel. Patricia Clarkson, who plays the lead character in the film, toddles around Egypt with a purse slung over her shoulder and a sundress slapped across her body. Naïve to the ways of Cairo, but wanting to learn all the...
Metropolis
It’s Not Road House, But… Starring: Brigitte Helm, Gustav Frohlich By Robert Patrick I can see the 25 minutes of lost “Metropolis” footage, in all of its holy glory, being unearthed from a dusty vault in Argentina. In the background, much like an “Indiana Jones” movie, a John Williams score inundates the scene with acute tension. The 16 mm reduction, having been seen by the mad eyes of film...
The Eclipse
Spoiler Alert: This Film is Atrocious Starring: Ciaran Hines, Aiden Quinn By Robert Patrick “The Eclipse,” director Conor McPherson’s pseudo-love story set in Ireland, has nothing to do with the Twilight film adaptations. Strange, since there are a lot of similar shortcomings. McPherson’s movie has so much diluted romance and mottled horror that, aside from the age of the actors, I could barely tell the...
Nine
Asphyxiated to Death by Feather Boas Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard By Robert Patrick Rob Marshall’s loud, bombastic, incurably busy musical is a cacophony of ideas and blaring horns. The songs in the film sound, to be quite blunt, like mortar fire. Too many wordy verses, too many goofy choruses. “My husband is a director; he makes movies”, wails out the normally magnificent Marion Cotillard. Marshall’s last musical...
Up in the Air
Winged Migration to Award Season Starring: George Clooney, Anna Kendrick By Robert Patrick Director Jason Reitman likes his protagonists to be complicated and confident. The world has marred their morals and engineered their tongues to contain wit and charm. “Juno” and “Thank You for Smoking” contain main characters that make you want to coddle them for their complexity, their imperfections, their venomous quips. Reitman’s newest...
Play the Game
The Go Straight to Jail Card Starring: Andy Griffith, Paul Campbell By Robert Patrick “Grandpa’s horny,” bellows out the newly mercurial Andy Griffith. “And he wants to have some fun.” These lines, fostering a kind of disregard for the antiquated material of the television star’s past, come zipping out of Griffith’s mouth at full-steam. The 83 year-old actor cranks back his arm, yelps indiscriminately at elderly women, then lifts his...
