Gulliver’s Travels
Dec26

Gulliver’s Travels

A Personal Letter to Jack Black Dear Jack Black, Your newest movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, made me want to break up with life. Your shtick as man-child, while initially endearing, is now, due to your ever increasing age, becoming, how shall I say, creepy as hell. You are in your late thirties but you continue to say lines such as “president of awesome”. The sight gags that you pull in this movie are dated and without an iota of...

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Tron: Legacy
Dec17

Tron: Legacy

Right Click, Delete Starring: Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges Written by Robert Patrick “Tron: Legacy” is about a videogame programmer (Jeff Bridges), who launches into the world of his game, never gets out, and antagonizes his son, unintentionally, by leaving a portal open so that his offspring can get into the digital universe. And what a universe it is! If anyone remembers the original “Tron”, you will be familiar with the idea that...

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Nov19

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

A Cinematic Snooze Button Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint Written by Robert Patrick About now, as this post goes live, millions of muggles will be littering the isles of their local theater. And if you haven’t heard, things are pretty dour for Harry, Ron and Hermione. The trinity of magicians not only have to deal with Voldemort’s serpentine advances, but they also, more modernly, have been reaching into their...

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Bran Nue Dae
Sep24

Bran Nue Dae

And Now…The Anti-Musical! Starring: Rocky McKenzie, Geoffrey Rush By Robert Patrick Your friend, who has made some questionable recommendations in the past, tells you, very feverishly, that you need to go on a blind date. Your friend spits out words such as “mesmerizing” and “endearing” when he describes, in a fit of excitement, the person he is hooking you up with. You concede to this bonanza of enthusiasm, citing exhaustion,...

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Machete
Sep02

Machete

Blood Banks, Eat Your Heart Out Starring: Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba By Robert Patrick Hyper-violence and ultra nudity is everywhere in this film, no matter where you look, like a paint roller was dunked in the stuff and crisscrossed around every set in the movie. The plotline calls for more truncated heads than seen in the entire Boxer Rebellion (too soon?) and about as much sweaty perversion as a late night Cinemax flick. Oh yeah,...

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Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
Aug13

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Edgar Wright, You Are King in a Land of Paupers Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead By Robert Patrick The fabric of this world is threaded with neon colors and warbling sounds. I don’t think there’s one second where something creative isn’t jostling the screen, shaking loose any sort of preconceptions about the structure of movies, then planting itself down with sonic reverberation. Edgar Wright owns this...

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Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus
Jul21

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

A Prehistoric Shark Ate My Whale?! Starring: Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas By Robert Patrick Instead of watching “Salt,” the Angelina Jolie action vehicle, I decided to see a more character driven film, “Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus.” The premise of the film, behind all of the existentialism and dramatic plot-points, is basically about two prehistoric creatures that attack boats, planes, submarines, Lorenzo Lamas. I cant really...

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Predators
Jul09

Predators

I Ain’t Got Time To Bleed…Or Watch This Movie Again Starring: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace By Robert Patrick “Predator” has become such an outstandingly lucrative franchise since its inception as a sci-fi favorite in 1987. Who can resist a creature whose bulbous head protrudes not only pronged-teeth but dreadlocks the size of water noodles? And can I mention a forehead so sloped that a fourteen-year-old could do Tech Deck...

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Metropolis
Jun04

Metropolis

It’s Not Road House, But… Starring: Brigitte Helm, Gustav Frohlich By Robert Patrick I can see the 25 minutes of lost “Metropolis” footage, in all of its holy glory, being unearthed from a dusty vault in Argentina. In the background, much like an “Indiana Jones” movie, a John Williams score inundates the scene with acute tension. The 16 mm reduction, having been seen by the mad eyes of film...

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OSS 117: Lost in Rio
May21

OSS 117: Lost in Rio

Sean Connery Called, He Wants His Eyebrows Back Starring: Jean DuJardin, Rudiger Vogler By Robert Patrick The spy genre gets lampooned by silly gags that involve wacky shoot-outs and jokey double entendres. If you like your martini’s stirred with a silly straw, you’ll probably enjoy director Michel Hazanavicius’ parody of the 007 series. The ingredients are ripe for the plucking, as you throw in the obligatory baddie...

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