By Robert Patrick
Some of you may wonder why Cinema Spartan hasn’t posted any updates in three straight weeks. Some of you may be glad, while the largest percentage hasn’t even noticed. Well, for those of you who have been furrowing your brow over the lack of site content, your bewilderment as to why we haven’t been around much is about to be cured. Simply put, we are in mourning over Amanda Bynes retirement from acting.
Amanda Bynes’ last role, I have learned, will be that of ‘Marianne Bryant’ in a film called “Easy A.” I don’t have any idea what the movie is about, but, from her character’s name alone, I can only surmise that she is playing a fifty-year-old secretary.
But why would the young actress, at only 24-years of age, give up the reigns of such a lucrative career? I wondered long and hard, thinking back on each film she released during her brilliant stay as a Hollywood starlet. Was she hoping that Quentin Tarantino would bring her out of retirement, ten-years later, to play a downtrodden femme fatale that chain-smokes between quoting lines from films like “High and Low” and “Riffi”? The Academy would certainly award her for her unsuspecting pretentiousness. Maybe she will become the next Hedy LaMarr and create some sort of technological advancement. I can see Bynes creating some sort of invisible cloaking device for special force units in Afghanistan. Where will she come up with the idea? Maybe during a game of croquet, when an intermission forces her stand idly, she will manage to scribble down a mathematical equation that produces transparency in the cells of bison skin.
No matter, there has to be a plan. I refuse to acknowledge a world where the critically lauded “Sydney White” will not see a sequel. Can you imagine if the pudgy-cheeked tomboy did not exist? We wouldn’t have those 2,393 episodes of “What a Girl Wants” – and that means a laugh track would have to die somewhere, alone. And what about “She’s the Man,” where Bynes dresses up like a dude to play soccer. If we didn’t have that specific film, we would have to deal with the memory of “Juwanna Mann” as the last movie to address the misappropriation of gender roles in today’s sports.
But at least Bynes has the precarious “blimp” statue that is handed out at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. I wouldn’t necessarily want an award that is in the shape of the Hindenberg to showcase my career’s value, but that’s just me.
We, here at Cinema Spartan, are forced to move on this week, but we leave with you a few roles that we wish Amanda had played if given the opportunity.
“Ways to be Wicked”: A biopic about the life of Eleanor Roosevelt during her twilight years.
“Three Dog Knight”: A Disney movie where three animated dogs get sent back into medieval times to fight for justice. All three dogs voiced by Amanda Bynes.
“Who’s that Guy?”: A film about the rise and fall of Food Television host Guy Fieri. Bynes to play lead role.
What do you wish Amanda Bynes had starred in?