Pitch Perfect 2
With a Rebel Yell, More, More, More Starring: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson Review written by Robert D. Patrick Marty McFly waltzed into to the old west, the Ninja Turtles ran afoul in feudal Japan, Ace Ventura sprang to the jungle, and now the Bellas head to Europe. When you’re writing a sequel, there’s no time to be indolent. You have to pack up your bags and change scenery. And while that vanilla formula usually...
Mad Max: Fury Road
Cars 3: Car-cass Starring: Charlize Theron, Tom Hardy Review written by Robert D. Patrick Windshields are matted by fingerprints, rust-colored sand envelopes the world, and blood specked incisors tear away at any semblance of humanity. Director George Miller’s easel is made of bones and sinew, the canvas lacquered with saliva and sweat. Mad Max: Fury Road is punctuated with filleted wheel rubber and scudding gasoline. With his...
Adult Beginners
Kroll Over, Play Dead Starring: Nick Kroll, Rose Byrne Review written by Robert D. Patrick A thirty-something has an existential crisis, burrows into depression, and has some snarky, impertinent bile to spew against the walls of their loved ones’ home. This is an insipid, burgeoning genre that began with the tired eyelids of Owen Wilson in the aughts, and just hasn’t slowed down since. Jeff, Who Lives at Home, Happy...
Bran Stark’s Impact on GoT Season 5
Bran Stark DeviantArt illustration by Someone With the aorta punishing season five now in the books, viewers are shocked to learn that their favorite character may not return. Stabbed in the back, Bran was treated as an afterthought, as he was nowhere to be found in the popular HBO serial. Last season, Bran, the magical toddler Stark-child, was under duress until some pale ghost from Guillermo del Toro’s Devil’s Backbone...
True Story
Close-Ups: The Movie Starring: Jonah Hill, James Franco Review written by Robert D. Patrick The gossamer web that director Rupert Goold weaves is more of the plastic bag, Halloween variety. Fake, difficult to pull apart, and without a genuine aesthetic. True Story is a film about two desperate men interrogating one another by spitting venom through their incisors. It’s a film that prides itself on the weight of a clock’s...
Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter
Panic at the Mythos Starring: Rinko Kikuchi, David Zellner Review written by Robert D. Patrick The first image that emblazons the screen is that of a woman, wearing a red sweater. The heat radiates like a crimson-hot coal streaking over an unknown shoreline. Imagine a lipstick smudge or a shock of red paint. The figure’s feet putter over wet, malleable sand to some uncharted destination. It’s an erudite image that...
Serena
Love In a Time of Bore Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper Review written by Robert D. Patrick Dust-licked North Carolina aches and trembles under the oppressive weight of the depression. In the shadow of a land dipped in sadness comes an irascible, headstrong businessman with his eyes set on timbre. His employees are lacquered in sweat and exhaust, but no problem will keep the aforementioned entrepreneur from rolling up his...
Deli Man
Love in the Time of Challah, Bruh Review by Robert D. Patrick A salvo of empirically pleasing images wash over the screen. Suddenly there is buttery meat, fine mustard, top shelf rye, and an honest serving of choleric wit. The Jewish deli, an institution for food lovers. You need an affable level of hubris and a set of working taste buds to hunker down behind the fingerprinted glass counter. Director Erik Greenberg Anjou’s...
The Top Ten Best Songs of 2014
Helado Negro by Eve Sussman Written by Robert D. Patrick After crushing my skull with thousands of songs in 2014, I came up with my top 100 tracks, only to chisel them down to an electric ten. Chromeo had the best dance song of the year (“Jealous”), and Caribou had one of the best pure albums (“Our Love”). But, emotionally, artists such as Mas Ysa and TV Girl dug into my subconscious to unearth some pretty...
What We Do In The Shadows
In the Land of Blood and Funny Starring: Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi Review written by Robert D. Patrick Vampires, again? When drawing from an empty, moss-encased well, you would expect your rusty bucket to hit the sludge at the bottom. We’ve had empirically attractive, virile blood suckers. Well quaffed, Victorian vampires. Apathetic, vinyl hoarding shapeshifters. Grotesquely moribund trucker vampires with Jeff Reboulet...
