My Reactions To the Awards
Every year at the Oscars, boredom inevitably sets in. You start nodding off, losing pallor, and begin to drift into the abyss like Leo at the end of the Titanic (does this still qualify as a spoiler? If so, tell me what it was like to thaw out like Brendan Fraser). Chris Rock will liven things up, of course, and we wont have to endure Neil Patrick Harris’ whirring around the stage like someone let the air out of a party balloon. Thankfully, above all else, Seth MacFarlane wont be back to ooze down the stage as if he were a Bro version of Slimer. Here are seven ways to assuage the agony and defeat of Hollywood’s most sobering night.
7. Andrea Riseborough Hangs Out
The actress appears on stage, no doubt in some red-as-motif dress, and basically just chills and pops Diamond almonds or something. Maybe wasabi flavor. The jury is out. She probably has a pretty sweet Saint Laurent Classic Nano Sac de Jour bag, made out of dove white leather, that contains a deck of dope af playing cards that she took off of a Delta Airlines flight. She then drags a beanbag chair onto the stage and plays a hand of poker with uninvited guest Paul Schneider. This takes up 30 minutes of the show, and everyone applauds wildly. Television viewership numbers are broken.
6. Demetri Martin Puts Jonah Hill in a Headlock
In a fight that everyone has been waiting to see, ex-communicated Fiery Furnaces member and Comedy Central czar Demetri Martin sticks watery-eyed playboy Jonah Hill in a vicious headlock while the Academy Awards Orchestra plays Ride of the Valkyries. Maggie Gyllenhaal appears out of a gossamer cloud of smoke to officiate. Hill succumbs, after three exasperating minutes, and publicly admits that Martin should have been in Moneyball. The camera cuts to a nodding Martin Landau.
5. All Music Performances Are “Return of the Mack” by Mark Morrison
Love that one song from that one movie? Too bad, pal. 90s R&B phenom Mark Morrison is playing life-changing anthem “Return of the Mack” at least six times during the Oscars ceremony. You’re not going to hear Zooey Deschanel humming a ballad while she lies in a bed of fake plastic African Moon flowers. Not today, son.
4. Bryce Dallas Howard Drinks a Macchiato While Reading The Bell Jar
During the exhausting midway point of the show, when everyone wants to punch their television with the power of a Kimbo Slice uppercut, Bryce Dallas Howard will appear in that Katherine Hepburn outfit she wore in Jurassic World. She will then address the crowd politely, and proceed to drink a macchiato while reading roughly three chapters of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Everyone will sigh in relief. This has been a rough night, and Bryce Dallas Howard knows. Shit got real. Thanks for letting us decompress.
3. Michelle Williams Rushes the Stage and Demands an Oscar For My Week with Marilyn
Even though the film came out in 2011, Michelle Williams has been waiting in the shadows with warpaint for the right moment to storm the stage and take what should have been hers, some five years ago. Although the film was pretty average, the irate actress will grab the golden boy away from Brie Larson and fly away in a helicopter flown by a cackling Kenneth Branagh. Nothing will ever be the same.
2. Carey Mulligan and Naomi Watts Have Cry-Off
Carey Mulligan, who is essentially a sad deer, faces off against the Nolan Ryan of weeping willows in Naomi Watts. The two actresses sit across from each other on stage and wail, sob, and blow spit bubbles until one bows out. Both thespians win awards after it is decided that neither of them can be more dewy-eyed than the other.
1. Leo Is Given An Honorary Oscar for The Beach
He loses in the Best Actor Category, but the president of the Academy hands the weary actor an honorary award for the best film ever made, The Beach. The entire audience stands up, elated, and Martin Scorsese throws flowers at Leo’s feet. Fog machines activate and Steve Aoki starts performing a sick set. All is right with the world.
