Burger Records: Have a Time!

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With more energy than three “Paul’s Boutique”-era MCAs, I busted through the doors of Burger Records in Fullerton. Half of a pint of Black Phoenix stout spilled on my right shoe. 65% cognizant of my surroundings from a day of drinking with Cinema Spartan’s music editor, Nathan Kowalski.

We want cassette tapes more than the monster in “Stranger Things” wants blood from boring people.

nate

“Here’s some Thee Oh Sees” – Nathan

I sprint – sprint meaning to walk, clumsily, while sweating profusely – to the new tape releases. Where is Colleen Green’s “I Want to Grow Up”? I cant find the album on my first look, so I sound for an APB. I murmur something sad and pathetic as if I was Tim Roth in the back of the car, shot, in “Reservoir Dogs”. All is lost. I’m standing there in shock for so long that I grow a Rasputin-sized beard and use a makeup mirror to get the attention of the poor dude working the counter. “Do you,” I stammer, “have any Colleen Green tapes?” He says no. I back away from the register and emotionally collapse in on myself like a Jenga tower at a newly opened craft brewery. Fuck.

I lose sight of Nathan during this ordeal, and finally find him near a shock of Thee Oh Sees cassette tapes. I say something important (maybe “dope” or “nice”) and march away to the LPs. I expect nothing, really. I thumb through some records – Best Coast’s “Crazy for You” is only 10 dollars! – and keep going. And then, suddenly, my fingertips hit something. My eyes well up with tears. I lift a vinyl copy of Cassie Ramone’s “Christmas in Reno” up in the air and the “Lion King” score swells in my head. I yell something desperately excited and unintelligible to Nathan. Nathan shrugs. I turn to Tiffany Smart who hasn’t been referenced in the story to this point, but who is very important to its narrative nonetheless, and nod at her. She’s confused, too. I cant believe I found this album here, even though it’s clearly a Burger print. Cassie Ramone is cooler than a polar bear’s toe nails. She’s so rad she’s basically like Imperator Furiosa and LeBron James in one person.

While I purchased the most priceless, cool as fuck Christmas record on the planet, Nathan and Tiffany rooted through a bin of sweet Burger Records pins. In the middle of this contained chaos, Nathan found and bought “Highly Evolved”, finally ending the age-old question of who is better: The Vines of The Hives. Even sans Colleen Green, Burger Records is the love of my life (behind Hawaiian bread and Vanessa Bayer).

A+, world.

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Author: Rob Patrick

A member of the San Diego Film Critics Society, Rob created Cinema Spartan after he stepped down as the editor of a weekly. He has written for The East County Californian, The Alpine Sun, The East County Herald, The San Diego Entertainer, and the San Diego Reader. He has also introduced films with the Pacific Arts Movement. He co-owns two dire wolves, Buckley and Ruffin. At any given time, he can tell you superfluous hockey statistics. He is the chancellor of Tapatio, an advocate of iced tea, and an owner of at least 70 pairs of Vans.

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