A simple Google or Bing image search of Elisha Cuthbert will yield nothing of value. If you’re looking for an innocuous, boring picture of the actress sitting outside of a Peet’s Coffee shop you’re out of luck. Even vapid red carpet pictures have been tossed like ballast. In preparation of this superfluous and inane article, I simply typed in “Elisha Cuthbert” and my monitor become flooded with grotesque and badly Photoshopped nudes, no doubt created by some 45-year-old cretin that wears Big Dawgs t-shirts and works as a vending machine mechanic in Tustin. After scrolling past the thirtieth picture of the thespian superimposed onto a dude’s lap in high-contrast, I nearly gave up.
Give me some normal pictures, internet machine.
There were so many opportunities in 2015 for screencaps, too. Cuthbert appeared on Celebrity Game Night and looked so disinterested that her eyes practically turned into the wet embers of an extinguished campfire. In fact, the 33-year-old star spent most of last year with the frustrated expression of someone unable to open an attachment on their cell phone. Cuthbert will forever be in a coven of cool after she appeared in 2005’s atmospheric fright-fest House of Wax, alongside some guy that looks like Timothy Olyphant but wasn’t actually Timothy Olyphant. Since then, she has batted a cool .230 in projects. Still, here are five movies I would like to see her star in. If you’re reading this, Anton Corbijn, one of these would be pretty sick to make.
5. Janice’s Adult Life
A film about an aspiring pastry chef named Janice (Elisha Cuthbert) who’s living with her goofy, Fleet Foxes quoting roommate Melanie (Greta Gerwig). The girls’ landlord, Brian Cox (Brian Cox), is a grumpy old man who provides a touch of acerbic wisdom or something. Directed by Wong Kar-wai, probably. Or Whit Stillman. I don’t know what you want from me.
4. Hanna II: Portugal Must Fall
Twenty years after the semi-thrilling events of the first film, Hanna, now played by Elisha Cuthbert, is a world-weary assassin hellbent on destroying a Portuguese spy played by Miles Teller. There’s also a technologically savvy sidekick played by anyone but Dan Fogler, even though he looks like he would play that part. I really dislike that guy. Directed by Joe Wright, even though he has really fallen off.
Shelby (Elisha Cuthbert) owns a microbrewery in the heart of El Centro, and her biggest competitor is Bridget Dunn (Andie McDowell, fresh off of her Twitter meltdown). The two business mavericks spar over fiscal ownership of a pretty legit looking strip mall. Colin Hanks probably plays a weaselly attorney. Father John Misty plays the lead brewer. Directed by the Duplass brothers.
2. Detroit Cyan
Elizabeth O’Sullivan (Elisha Cuthbert) decides to create large, ornate, and unorthodox dance clubs in every abandoned auto-factory in the Detroit area. Buying the real estate for little to nothing, she transforms the city into a hypnotic, glam-lacquered forum for music once again. Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn lol
1. Boiling Point, New York
Margaret Annie (Elisha Cuthbert) is a ghostwriter of pop songs. When one of the musicians she customarily writes for does not give her royalties, Margaret makes it her mission to ruin the artist’s fame in every obtuse, weird, and illogical way she can. Co-starring, uh, Emma Roberts makes sense. As the pop star. Paul Giamatti is the squirrelly manager, since that’s all he plays anymore in movies. Directed by Sofia Coppola.
Have any other ideas for Cuthbert? Lay ’em in down below.