Hemingway’s Garden of Eden
Hand Hemingway Another Shotgun Starring: Mena Suavari, Jack Huston Written by Robert Patrick Ernest Hemingway began writing The Garden of Eden in the nineteen-forties while penning such literary mega works as The Old Man and the Sea. The Garden of Eden was worked on, intermittently, during a span that lasted almost two decades. To the chagrin of many, the book was never completed, but was published, posthumously, almost twenty-five...
The Tourist
The Director Packed Lightly Starring: Johnny Depp. Angelina Jolie Written by Sam Wood The poster for this film promises two things: Depp and Jolie. And I cannot deny that the film does indeed feature Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie! They are in nearly every scene. They walk around. They speak. They make goo-goo eyes. In this sense, the film succeeds admirably in its intentions. The trailer, however, promises a bit more. It’s a...
Black Swan
Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls Starring: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis Written by Robert Patrick Director Darren Aronofsky likes to strap his characters onto a psychological torture rack. In Aronofksy’s newest picture, a tapestry of shadows wrap around the body of Nina (Natalie Portman), an aspiring dancer who passive aggressively claws for the lead in Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake“. Because the movie is set in New York’s...
Tiny Furniture
Introspective Introspection…Et al. Starring: Lena Dunham, Laurie Simmons Written by Robert Patrick After I watched Lena Dunham’s film, I was doing a juggling act: should I give this three stars out of five? Wait, no, two stars? One star? I was thinking about so many different numbers I may as well have been playing a game of Sudoku. Finally, after long periods of unnecessary strain, I decided to give this film four stars....
My Favorite Aliens
Guys, I have a confession to make. I am really excited about the upcoming “Cowboys and Aliens.” Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Sam Rockwell? Um, cowboys fighting aliens? I’m a little nervous though, because often when Hollywood raises my expectations with a fun concept they are planning some prank to dash it all away again. The cowboy half of the promise will undoubtedly be paid in full. But what about the alien half? I haven’t seen...
Old School Movie Review: The Hobbit
I was initially planning to do another B-Movie review this week, but decide to do an old-school movie review instead. There’s a fine distinction between them sometimes, but in this case I couldn’t classify the film in question as B-grade material. Mostly it’s just… horrible. Plain horrible. Just not due to budgetary reasons. Purportedly this thing cost 3 million dollars. I am, as the above banner indicates, talking about the 1977...
Waste Land
This Is My Reaction to this Film Starring: Vik Muniz Written by Robert Patrick “Waste Land” is dark, gross, sticky and noisy. And no, that isn’t a synonym for coitus or open heart surgery, it’s the description of men and women who dig through garbage for a living. No, it’s not about homeless people, either. Oh boy, this is going to be a difficult review. “Waste Land” is actually about a coalition of people who work at Jardim Gramacho,...
The Vampire Awards
I finally watched “Let the Right One In” last night, after oh, a good year or so of declaring, “I’m going to rent that!” every time it came up in conversation. And I liked it! Quite a bit, actually. It was very quiet, and methodical, and as a result it didn’t make a direct impact on me while I was watching it. But several hours later it finished seeping in, and I found myself even more enamored of it than when the film concluded. It...
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
A Cinematic Snooze Button Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint Written by Robert Patrick About now, as this post goes live, millions of muggles will be littering the isles of their local theater. And if you haven’t heard, things are pretty dour for Harry, Ron and Hermione. The trinity of magicians not only have to deal with Voldemort’s serpentine advances, but they also, more modernly, have been reaching into their...
Top Ten Reasons I Hate Kids In Movies
What else is there to say? Let’s kick this off this miserable list with my first miserable example. In no particular order… ONE: Freddie Boath, THE MUMMY RETURNS This unfortunate young child plays Alexander O’Connell, the highly unnecessary offspring of Rick and Evy O’Connell. The charm (yes, the charm!) of Rick and Evy kind of revolved around their childlessness. Rick was the self-serving drifter, roguish and lovable. Evy was an...
