Presidents in Film
Dec29

Presidents in Film

I was puttering around the Box Office Mojo website recently and came across an interesting comparison: the domestic box office gross of films about U.S. presidents. This includes documentaries, fictionalized accounts, and accounts that are entirely fictional in the first place. Here are the fifteen top-performing presidential films (rounded to the nearest million): Independence Day – 300 million Air Force One – 173 million...

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Gulliver’s Travels
Dec26

Gulliver’s Travels

A Personal Letter to Jack Black Dear Jack Black, Your newest movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, made me want to break up with life. Your shtick as man-child, while initially endearing, is now, due to your ever increasing age, becoming, how shall I say, creepy as hell. You are in your late thirties but you continue to say lines such as “president of awesome”. The sight gags that you pull in this movie are dated and without an iota of...

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Holiday Cards
Dec22

Holiday Cards

In lieu of an article this week I thought I’d provide something special for all the procrastinators out there. If you haven’t sent out Christmas cards this year, but you vaguely intended to do so, and now you’re looking at the calendar and realizing there is no way in hell they would arrive in time: then these are for you! Not only are these delightful holiday e-cards, which can be saved to your computer through the power of...

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True Grit
Dec22

True Grit

Best Ghost Directed Film of the Year! Starring: Jeff Bridges, Hailee Steinfeld Written by Robert Patrick Dialogue in Coen brothers films is generally painfully clever and, in practically every fathomable situation, blunt as a dull straight razor. Comical situations arise and fall with the weight of theater sandbags. Twists are also acceptable, and usually delivered with the subtlety of a gun’s butt hitting the side of your temple. The...

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All Good Things
Dec17

All Good Things

Look Out, Gosling Hates Bookshelves! Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Ryan Gosling Written by Robert Patrick I had not seen Kirsten Dunst for sometime. I had thought she was in the belly of a whale somewhere. Perhaps the actress was busy toiling away on a time machine to go back and undo “Marie Antoinette”. Then I hear about this movie, “All Good Things”. I hear that it has Ryan Gosling in it, that Kirsten Dunst may or...

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I Love You Phillip Morris
Dec17

I Love You Phillip Morris

Catch Me If You…Meh…Don’t Bother Starring: Ewan McGregor, Jim Carrey Written by Robert Patrick I saw this movie a little over a month ago, maybe less. If “The Talented Mr. Ripley” was directed by the guy who did those Enzyte commercials with the plastic-faced “Smilin’ Bob” character, you would have “I Love You Phillip Morris”. The tone is daffy, light hearted, exuberantly...

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The King’s Speech
Dec17

The King’s Speech

Colin Firth: The New Whimsy Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush Written by Robert Patrick I wanted the title of this review to be “Colin Firth is Adorable; Makes Doe-Eyed Expressions”, but then I thought I could also go with “English People Look Regal; Walk Around Haplessly”. I decided against both, but managed, despite it being entirely inconsequential, to shoehorn them in the actual review. Typically films dealing with historic...

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Tron: Legacy
Dec17

Tron: Legacy

Right Click, Delete Starring: Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges Written by Robert Patrick “Tron: Legacy” is about a videogame programmer (Jeff Bridges), who launches into the world of his game, never gets out, and antagonizes his son, unintentionally, by leaving a portal open so that his offspring can get into the digital universe. And what a universe it is! If anyone remembers the original “Tron”, you will be familiar with the idea that...

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The Fighter
Dec16

The Fighter

Bale Good; Wahlberg Bad Starring: Christian Bale, Mark Wahlberg Written by Robert Patrick Boxing movies always seem to contain a certain formula. This formula, like motor oil, helps the engine run better, more efficiently. You always need a woman, who apprehensively suggests that you should go for your goals, though she is quietly pulling out her nails as if her teeth were the claw of a construction hammer. Your character should also...

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Solarbabies
Dec14

Solarbabies

From the moment the title screen flew at my face, I knew I was in for something special. And I was right! “Solarbabies” is not just special, it is exceptional, mind-blowing, earth-shattering (sometimes literally). The movie has a whopping 0% approval rating on Rottentomatoes (though in its defense there are only 10 accumulated reviews, and none of them is mine). The film takes place in the year 41 of the New Time, when the...

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